Your Heart

There’ll come a time,

When goodbyes must be shared

Still, not denying true love,

Or those who truly cared.

There’ll be moments,

When tears will not cease.

Because some hearts,

Prove difficult to please.

Those minutes of the day,

Will come unannounced.

Will seep silently,

Making but one sound.

The sound of tearspill,

On the cheek; On the floor.

The sound of a heart breaking,

From longing for more.

In these moments of doom,

I begin to recall.

All my prior intentions,

Do I make sense at all?

Did I see, what I thought I did?

Was it all in my mind?

Playing tricks with my thoughts,

Leaving clarity behind.

Did you lie to make me smile,

Or was it truly, for real?

Did I twist your response,

To how I wanted to feel?

Did you only take my hand,

So not to let me down.

Did you give me reason to smile,

So not to make me frown.

Do I still matter to you,

Did I ever at all?

Did you only hang around,

So not to let me fall?

Did my mélange of feelings,

Cloud prudence as well.

To save me pain & anguish,

The truth you didn’t tell.

I never believed I could keep you

But somehow you’re still here.

Now losing you, and all of this,

Has become my deepest fear.

Fear; that I see in the distance,

Closer & closer each day

Fear; of tear-spill & heartbreak

The things you might say.

This time not words of encouragement,

Of beauty or of poise.

But instead, words to scar

From the mellifluous sound of your voice.

That’ll snatch the things I hold dear,

Your scent, your touch, your smile

Like thieves in the night,

Love’s sanctity defiled.

Rob me of your mind,

So beautiful, so wise.

Unveiling my emptiness,

Revealing this flimsy disguise.

The mask I wear to show,

No pain shall scar my heart.

That I will be alright

When the time comes to part.

But you, you know my story,

Better than the most

More than I’ve shared with anyone,

Still you don’t boast.

In moments of impending doom,

I remember why I swayed.

Why I shiver at your breath,

Why it still doesn’t fade.

I remember your smile, your laugh,

How my spirit still moves.

Moves to inch closer to you,

No matter how much I might lose.

Because all that’s lost, I gain

When your lips meet mine

When your had caresses my face

And your breath as deep as mine.

All that’s lost, truly isn’t

With your arms, my safety net.

You hold me closer,

And there’s nothing I regret.

Nothing but the simple truth,

It’s clear now to me

Though, love, I say isn’t fictitious,

It’s become fantasy.

Cos though my love won’t falter,

The reasons they may change,

But the most valuable,

I’ve failed to attain.

Yes I’ve held your hands,

I’ve kissed you in the dark.

I’ve lain next to you,

There was that magical spark.

Yes, I’ve kissed your lips,

Felt the rush to my head.

I’ve listened to your pain,

I know the tears you’ve shed.

Yes I’ve felt your embrace,

I still long for it today.

I’ve held your face close to mine,

Your hands have gone astray.

But still I lose out the most,

I failed right from the start.

The most valuable I failed to attain,

I never owned your heart.

xx

Kathleen Gillian de Cruz

20^th June 2009

00:58am

All The Lovers

Dance
It's all I wanna do
So won't you
Dance
I'm standing here with you
Why won't you move
I'll get inside your groove
Cuz I'm on fire fire fire fire

It hurts
When you get too close
But baby it hurts
If love is really good
You just want more
Even if it throws you to the fire fire fire fire

All the lovers
That have gone before
They don't compare to you
Don't be running
Just give me a little bit more
They don't compare
All the lovers

Feel
Can't you see there's so much here to feel
Deep inside in your heart
You know I'm real
Can't you see that this is really higher higher higher higher

Breathe
I know you find it hard
But baby breathe
Lying next to me
Its all you need
And i'll take you there
I'll take you higher higher higher higher

All the lovers
That have gone before
They don't compare to you
Don't be running
Just give me a little bit more
They don't compare
All the lovers

Dance
It's all I wanna do
So won't you dance
I'm standing here with you
Why won't you move
Even if it throws you to the fire fire fire

All the lovers
That have gone before
They don't compare to you
Don't be running
Just give me a little bit more
They don't compare
All the lovers

I LOVE THIS SONG!!

My Valentine

Good and sad,
Strange mixed feelings,
What a lopsided thing we've got.
I pull you closer,
You pull away,
Some things are strange,
'Cos you forgot

I say I love you,
You smile and laugh,
Maybe it's all in my head.
Then you say you love me,
Then you confuse me,
Still, I don't regret

Time passes slowly,
Still swiftly and then
I can't get out of bed.
Your moves are all cautioned,
Your thoughts go unspoken
I remember all that you've said

You pull me closer,
I stay in your arms,
Then, you walk away.
Find someone better,
Then you'll remember,
Why I refuse to stay

My heart still longing,
Your heart undecided,
As you lay your head next to mine.
We linger together,
No life ever after,
Tonight we will be fine.

Love always denied,
Like thieves, like a crime,
We hide ourselves away.
Love that won't falter,
Divided by water,
A river;
Feelings kept at bay.

Still we do linger
You are who is better.
My darling,
My Valentine.

xxx

How

How did your girlfriends let you go
Didn't they see your passion bursting at the seams?
How did they let you walk away
And do everything to keep you
Not only in their dreams

How did they wake from music
That enchants me, now, as I sleep
How did they give up, your hypnotizing scent
That keeps me still so deep

How did they break your heart?
When all that is there is love
Didn't they wanna fulfill your desires
Being everything that you've yearned.
What kind of crazy were they?
To let a gem so rare slide by
Cos you know if I had my way
You'd be forever mine.

xxx
Kathleen

Hopes Crushed

Hopes Crushed

She dressed up again last night
Made sure her hair was in place
Painted her nails shades of purple
Wearing a smile on her face
He's coming tonight for sure
She coaxed herself once more
But as the night wore out and the candle dimmed
She knew she couldn't lie anymore

She let her tears spill
Run the liner down
Spoil the smile she had put on
This time she couldnt hold it in
Her longing hopes were crushed.

He called her to say he was sorry
That was 2 nights ago
He said darling I'll be there tomorrow
Then I'll hold you like before
But as she lay in her bed
Tears on the pillow
She knew she'd be sleeping alone

She let the tears spill
Held her pillow tight
To drown out her screaming heart
This time she'd waited too long, now
Her longing hopes are crushed

Maybe tomorrow will be better
Maybe he'll call tonight
Maybe he'll say he's sorry
She would say it's alright
But for now...

She let the tears spill
Heart screaming inside
She knew she'll forgive the pain
Cos the way she loved him, he was worth
Getting hopes crushed again

kathleengilliandecruz

Sent from my iPhone

Over.

There was a silence as she sat facing the wall. Her knuckles stained with blood that soaked the bandage. The fifth bandage that week. She continued punching the wall in anger, the wood was starting to show signs of weakness. Her continuous attempts to break the wall in front of her were not indications of strength, instead a reminder of her weakness. A reminder of a lost battle, a reminder of more than material loss and more than that a reminder of how she let it all take control over her.

She sat, admitting defeat for today. She sat and watched the blood trickle from her knuckles onto her knees and was lost in her thoughts, numb to the pain. Silently she let the world revolve around her, spinning rapidly as she lived in slow motion. Every second was accounted for, like an hour instead. She was lost in so many different ways. The silence was deafening.

In a split second they knew that this was all going to be over soon. She hung her head and she cried for the first time. She screamed in agony, clutching her bleeding knuckles, she cried and cried. She cried until there were no more tears to cry. She cried until she thought the pain was gone. One of them went inside and lay next to her, holding her as she gasped for air in between sobs. Then, it was over.

It was over.

She sat soaked in her tears.

Praying.

Praying that the hurting was over too.

Ave Maria.

A Happy Birthday.

“Thank you for today. Thank you for coming. Thank you for turning around. Even if we didn’t get to talk almost at all. Thank you. I had a wonderful birthday.”
“Hey, sweetie, no problem. It was your birthday, it was the least I could do.”
“Hey…”
“Yeah?”
“ You should know that I love you.”
“Oh… really…wow…you’re sure?”
“Absolutely positive.”
“And you’re sure it’s not a little crush or maybe some sort of puppy love?”
“Yes, I’m quite sure it’s the real deal.
“ I see…”
Clearly it wasn’t the answer she had expected, truth is, she did not know what to expect. She was happy she had told him, now she was simply confused at his reply.
But she saw it all to clearly in her head. The scene from few hours ago.

The loud music blaring in the background, she had been standing in the corner talking to Tori, when Tori started squealing.
“Ohmygosh, Keira, he’s here.”
“What? Who? Where?” suddenly it felt like the very little alcohol had kicked in, there was no way he would be here. He said he wasn’t coming. He simply couldn’t.
Still, there he was. As he looked out sifting through the throng of people for her, she did the first thing that came to mind.
She grabbed Tori and ran outside.
“Keira, what on earth are you doing?”
“I need to breathe, he’s not supposed to be here!”
“So? Just go in and say hi! What’s the matter with you?”
“Well, I don’t know… I’m nervous.”
The door swung open, and David stepped out.
“Ey, what’s up? What are ya’ll doing here?”
Keira grabbed the cigarette he was holding, “Sorry, I need this.”
“Sure…”
Keira took one long puff and returned it.
“Ok, let’s go…”
The two of them had just gone back in when they were pulled onto the dance floor, and while they were dancing Keira felt someone’s hand on her back.
He motioned that he was leaving and left. Keira stood there stunned for a moment, before she realised what had happened.
She turned to Tori with a look of almost horror, “You have got to be kidding!?”
“Listen, calm down, we’ll go and see if he’s still outside, and if he’s not you can call him, ok?”
“Ok…”
It did not surprise Keira that he wasn’t outside. If there was one thing he was good at, it was escaping. Quickly.
She took out her mobile and dialed his number.
“Hey, where did you go?”
“Sorry sweetie, something came up and I had to leave.”
“But you were here for barely a minute and you haven’t even wished me yet.”
“Yeah, I know…”
“Where are you?”
“I’m on my way into the city, why?”
“Well, you can’t possibly be that far out, turn around, come back.”
“I can’t sweetie.”
“You have to. Just for awhile. I didn’t even get the chance to say hello and you’ve already said goodbye.”
“I might be awhile, say 10 minutes?”
“I’ll wait, Tori and I are waiting outside.”
As she pressed the red button on her phone, her friends Michael and Ryan showed up.”
Oh great, why did they have to show up now?
“Hey guys! Thanks so much for coming!”
Just as they were approaching her, she saw his car pull up.
She threw an anxious glance at Tori, silently screaming for help.
He walked up towards them and just stood beside her as she entertained her friends. She quickly pulled Tori aside, hoping she had an idea of what to do.
“Well, what do I now?”
“Kie, I honestly do not know…”
“Come on Tori, think!”
“Why don’t you just go over there and talk to him like a normal civilised person.
I’m pretty sure those friends of yours have seen you talking to a guy before without raising speculation.”
“Right, good thinking, maybe.”
Keira and Tori started walking back only to realise that there was no one there.
“Oh you’ve got to be kidding me…”
Keira flipped out her cell again and called him.
“Where’d you go?”
“Sweetie, there was no way we could have spoken in privacy without anyone coming out looking for you or those guys wondering who I was. Why don’t you go ahead and enjoy your party, I’ll talk to you soon. I promise.”
“Oh, ok. Ok then. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Keira?”
“Yeah?” she tried not to sound too disappointed.
“Happy Birthday.”
“Thanks.” she smiled.

She lay in her bed still smiling, while she heard him talk to her over the phone. There was something about his voice and the things it made her feel. She couldn’t quite put her finger on it. They talked on into the night, and after they said goodnight, Keira fell asleep a little more peacefully than she usually did.

Time Warp.

As I sat there gazing out of the window, I saw him standing there. Just like the first time, and then I’m suddenly dragged into a time warp of memories. It’s all coming back to me now. That night at dinner, when he played with the silver ring on my finger.
“You’re just ready for love aren’t you?” he asked, smiling.
“I’m ready for you…”
“Always good with the words.”
“Here before I forget, this is long overdue. I hope you like it, it isn’t as great as I had planned it to be. Still, I hope you like it.” I handed him the small green bag.
He pulled out the t-shirt, and smirked my favourite smirk.
“You had this custom-made?”
“More like I custom-made it.”
“Really? Wow, thanks hun,” he leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.
I simply gazed back into his eyes, and I knew that night was special.
Little did I know, however, that it would be the only one that was as special for a very long time...
So there I was sitting, so many hours, days, weeks, months and years later. Sitting in the same restaurant, he didn’t notice me as I sat watching him sip on his watermelon juice .
“Keira? Keira?”
“Huh, what?”
“What are you daydreaming about?”
“Er… nothing.. Sorry.”
I took one last long glance at him before I got back to my dinner, and just as I was turning away he caught my eye.
He looked at me, with the sparkle of the little orange lights that hung on the tree branches above him and it was then I knew.
He remembered us too.